It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
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I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch