What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
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I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.