The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
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Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher