Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
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You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
dam girl
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES