*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
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I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.