Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
“OMGJK” -atheists
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
my sentiments exactly
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!