Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
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My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
For anyone who needs this today
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.