*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
sugar glider wrangler
this is funnier than any friends episode
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
this is literally a CIA plant
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.