Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”