[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
You Might Also Like
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
new year update: losing everything but weight
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Reporter: *ports again*