Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
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MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.