[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
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When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.