Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

ㅤ

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

just got my engagement photos

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

Hot Hot Hot

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort