People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
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Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.