What fresh Hell is this?!?
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Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
relationship goals