He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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next question.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
A Short Story.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.