I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
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My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?