I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
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#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.