*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
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The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar