Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
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Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
New Tinder profile.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.