If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
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[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Spell check is for lasers.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I already tried new things thanks.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer