CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
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[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.