Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
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I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.