If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
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I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.