My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
It was worth a shot 😂
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying