On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
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I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK