Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
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[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”