All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
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Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS