Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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Lassie, get help!
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Breakfast for Stoners:
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.