Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
You Might Also Like
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Broom by every window for quick escape.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win