I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Any refunds available?…
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*