“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Camping tip: No.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?