Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
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*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that