“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
🔦🌙👣
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
#polloftheday
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.