Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
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Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.