They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
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As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks