Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
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Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I hate when that happens.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.