Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
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My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain