Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
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I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
if my sleeping schedule was a person
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.