“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
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4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
The biggest mystery of our time