I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
You Might Also Like
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂