Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.