No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
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Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.