Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
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Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.