7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
You Might Also Like
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day