I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
You Might Also Like
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
mom gave me mine for free
Fidel Castro was alive?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Cha-ching is my safe word
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
did it work
Sheep
That eye roll….
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what