Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.