[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
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You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.