Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles