It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
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Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
this is how life feels
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Sounds like a bargain
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty